Instructions : This test consists of several groups of statements. Read each group, then choose one statement in each group that best describes how you feel today. Then add the numbers of each of your choices and find your total in the key to determine your level of mental stability, bitch.

A. PETS
0.I remember my first pet.
1.I sort of remember my first pet.
2.I don’t really remember my first pet.
3.I would like to kill myself.

B. SWEETS
0.I really like chocolate.
1.I sort of like chocolate.
2.I don’t really like chocolate.
3.I would like to kill myself.

C. SHOES
0.I know how to tie my shoes.
1.I sort of know how to tie my shoes.
2.I don’t really know how to tie my shoes.
3.I would like to kill myself.

D. TRAVEL
0.I would like to visit Egypt.
1.I sort of would like to visit Egypt.
2.I wouldn’t really like to visit Egypt.
3.I would like to kill myself.

E. STORES
0.I have been to a variety of stores.
1.I have sort of been to a variety of stores.
2.I haven’t really been to many stores.
3.I would like to kill myself.

F. JOBS
0.I love my job.
1.I sort of love my job.
2.I don’t really like my job.
3.I would like to kill myself.

G. ALCOHOL
0.I love being drunk.
1.I have thoughts about quitting drinking.
2.I would like to quit drinking.
3.I have quit drinking.
4.I would like to kill myself.

SCORING KEY

0-3 You are doing swell today! You’re tops!

4-8 You may need cheering up. Ever hugged a homo?

9-13 Things are looking down for you, you need some help. Get some peanut butter, a dog, go to the restroom, and… well you know the drill.

14-21 You are in dire need of psychiatric help. Your life may depend on it.

22 You would like to kill yourself.