Foreword by the captain – February 3rd, 2008:

 

Everyone is familiar with the dumbass books like “Chicken Soup for the Soul” et al. In the 1990’s someone wrote a parody entitled “Life’s Little Destruction Manual”. Paradies are intended to be humorous and I don’t think the author was aware of this fundamental truth. It was basically on the level of a second grader’s sense of humor. Circa 1997 Lord Zmolik decided to write something similar except he remembered the funny. Please enjoy this espionage enterprises classic and its two sequels.

 

February 3rd, 2008

 

1. Never sugarcoat the truth.

2. Go to the restroom, and then show everyone what a good job you did.

3. Make them applaud you for your efforts.

4. Tell your boss that donkeys don’t have legs, then ask, “So, how the hell do you walk?”

5. Carry around pictures of aborted fetuses.

6. Ask people to marry you: When they say no, threaten suicide.

7. Tell people that you’re the second coming of Christ.

8. Show people your sculpture collection, but wait until they’re in the room to tell them they’re made from female discharge.

9. Introduce your eleven year old niece as ‘The Best Piece of Ass You’ve Ever Had.”

10. Always remember: Money is nothing, but getting kids hooked on crack, now that’s power.

11. Insist at parties that you watch all your tapes of Ellen reruns.

12. Play invalids at chess and boast when you beat them.

13. Cane children when they act up.

14. Tell every child you see that there is no Santa Claus, and that their father is the devil.

15. Run, arms out-stretched to old people and scream, “Mom! Dad! I’ve searched so long!”

16. Kick people who are in wheelchairs.

17. Play with yourself on dates.

18. At dinner parties, help yourself to others’ plates.

19. Attend church, and in the middle of the sermon scream, ” The Lord Is A Monkey!”

20. Answer every question with, “I’m not falling for that one again.”

21. Ask a priest if god would still love you if you killed babies.

22. Pick your ass before handshakes.

23. Knock on neighbor’s doors and when you see the woman of the house, tell her husband that “you’d hit that shit again!”

24. Call yourself “Shorty”

25. Give house pets booze.

26. Ask women if you can “touch those.”

27. A month before Christmas refuse to bathe.

28. Ask to piss or shit on your lover during intercourse.

29. Save money on diapers: Buy a litter box.

30. Introduce your ass as a seperate entity. (Ex. “Hi, I’m John, and this is my anus, Bob.”)

31. Stuff all dead relatives so they won’t miss Thanksgiving Dinner.

32. Invite co-workers to Thanksgiving.

33. When someone finishes talking, say, “Is that right?” in an Australian accent.

34. Anytime you find yourself in disagreement, threaten to sue.

35. End all sentences with, ” … you better lock all your doors and windows tonight, bitch.”

36. Point your finger at strangers and laugh. When they ask what you’re laughing at, laugh louder.

37. Fake Tourette’s Syndrome.

38. Tell your significant other that they’re lucky to have you with looks like theirs.

39. Tell someone who’s interested in you that they remind you of someone very special to you: Your dog, Beeny.

40. Make your motto: A Kick in the Ass is Kind of Like a Handshake.

41. Kiss people mothers and say, “Now that’s the stuff!”

42. Invite people over for a “friendly game of cards.” Then lock them in the cellar and sell them into slave labor.

43. Accuse retarded kids of “faking it.”

44. Urinate in public.

45. Grab midgets and demand three wishes.

46. Develop an obsession with turds.

47. Talk frequently of dead monkeys.

48. Shove bottles up your ass. — (You know who you are.)

49. Simulate masturbation with cats.

50. Remove your clothing at social gatherings.

51. Tell false endings to current movies.

52. Seduce a retard.

53. Call everyone “Negro.”

54. Shave peoples’ heads while they sleep.

55. Pay prostitutes to go to married peoples’ houses.

56. Hire strippers for church gatherings.

57. Arrange your manger scenes in sexual positions.

58. Go to AA meetings with a two gallon bottle of vodka and announce that you’re treating.

59. Pick your nose while saying, “Big money. Big Money. No whammies. STOP… on a booger.”

60. Offer homeless people money for sex.

61. Laugh at funerals.

62. Try to bite your face and tell others to feel free to join in.

63. Slap your ass and act like a pony.

64. Slap the asses of co-workers and say, “Nice play!”

65. Spit when you talk. 66. Call people at random and tell them their mother died.

67. When people ask what you’re doing, tell them, “fucking a dog.”, then ask ,”Why, do you wanna take it’s place?”

68. Act like a streetwise urban rapper.

69. Have a selective memory.

70. Hit on nuns.

71. Send the Pope nude photos of your mom.

72. Go to sperm banks with the sperm you’ve collected from bums and try to cash it in.

73. Constantly remind your friends and family that cum and snot look similar.

74. Wet other peoples’ beds.

75. Blame god for your gambling debts.

76. Never wear pants.

77. Remind people that although turds float, you cannot built a boat out of them.

78. Show people just how easy it is to choke on a chicken bone.

79. Give out soap disguised as little white chocolates to trick-or-treaters at Halloween.

80. Pee your pants.

81. Throw trash at oncoming traffic.

82. Spit at pregnant women.

83. Refuse to acknowledge your real name. (A’la Madonna)

84. Insult the local football teams quarterback.

85. Act like you’re going to bum some change and then expose yourself.

86. Pretend to be Count Dracula.

87. Tell everyone that you’re a prostitute.

88. Try to sell jewelers your priceless collection of butt-nuggetts.

89. Teach small children profanity.

90. Ride your feeble minded grandpa like a donkey.

91. Donate all your money to charity and then declare bankruptcy.

92. Fake your death and show up at the funeral rites.

93. Accuse every Jew you see of killing Jesus.

94. Anytime anyone mentions cancer, laugh and say, “I love that joke!”

95. Tell people that the thing on their face is healing nicely.

96. Cry frequently and without warning.

97. Randomly punch people in the groin.

98. Tell everyone that you killed Kennedy.

99. Have your cake and eat it, too.

100. When your neighbor leaves, mow his yard. When he gets back, demand money for your services.

101. Refer to yourself in third person.

102. Remember, if it’s on TV, it’s got to be real.

103. Call 911 daily with reports of alien sightings.

104. Wear a tuxedo to trailer park parties.

105. Brag about your celebrity turd collection.

106. Show off your new coat made of newborn baby kittens.

107. Bring along your sock puppet to important meetings.

108. Tell people you wrote this book.

109. Force yourself to vomit when fat people eat around you.

110. Liquor tastes better than water anyway so hey, drink up.

111. Remember, even your own mother could be a Russian spy.

112. Repeatedly call the job you want and ask if anyone has died yet.

113. Tell everyone that the secret sauce is made of blood and cum.

114. Postdate all checks for the year 3002.

115. Don’t finish your sentences.

116. Put trash in that place behind the

117. Tell drug addicts that rehab is for quitters. How do they expect to get ahead if they’re always quitting!

118. Give fruitcakes for birthday presents.

119. Tell old people that Marilyn Manson is kind of like this generation’s version of Elvis.

120. Pass out church flyers at the local bar scene.

121. Become a Southern Baptist.

122. Change your name to Hitler.

123. Remind those you know that pimpin’ ain’t easy.

124. Try your hardest to be excited about everything you see.

125. Use turds as paperweights.

126. Have a sample of your urine with you at all times. Hey, you never know when you just might need it.

127. Claim every piece of land you come upon in the name of the Queen and the Mother England.

128. Get a flying penis tattooed on your forehead.

129. Two to three times daily call suicide hotlines and fake suicides.

130. Sing only the chorus to every song on the radio.

131. Develop a love triangle between a monkey and a donkey.

132. Tell everyone that they just might be the bastard son of Larry, Moe, or Curly.