1. Treat them like they treat you.

2. Become a necrophiliac.

3. When someone says, “I love you,” – vomit.

4. Tell people that you think their mom is hot – really hot!

5. Repeatedly ask your friends if they’ve gained weight.

6. Show co-workers nude photos of them, which are really just a picture of their head glued to a “nudie” picture out of a magazine.

7. Make people help you find that wart on your genitals.

8. Become a slam-poet.

9. Sell bottles of your urine marked as apple juice.

10. Spill coffee on things that people give you to read.

11. Start taking poops in places that aren’t toilets.

12. Convert to Judaism.

13. Talk like Captain James T. Kirk of Star Trek.

14. Record your parents “doing it” then try to sell it to friends.

15. Buy a bullhorn and scream, “you’re all going to die!” into it over and over and over.

16. Be a constant reminder to those around you that the world will end soon.

17. Wear a tophat.

18. Smoke lots of crack.

19. Become an avid N.W.O. fan.

20. Put LSD in the town’s water supply.

21. Date your sister.

22. Fuck your dad up the ass and brag about “gettin’ some.”

23. When Regis and Kathy Lee comes on, tell the tv about how much you want to fuck it.

24. Become friends with Regis.

25. Date Richard Simmons.

26. Have three of the same hat: a working hat, a going to town hat, and a back up hat in case the going to town hat gets dirty.

27. Bring up the fact that you’re black into anything and everything you do.

28. Open a Jewish Deli.

29. Model your life after Josef Stalin’s.

30. Wear one of those Gilligan hats.

31. Become an Elvis impersonator.

32. Show People your salami that looks just like Mel Torme.

33. Talk frequently of your tour of duty in “‘Nam.”

34. Tell your dinner guest that you must go to the restroom then pee all over your plate.

35. Bite people when they prove you wrong.

36. Always leave you left turn signal on.

37. Brag about being Jewish.

38. Find the nearest old person and insist that he/she is your mother/father even if they keep feverishly denying it.

39. Boast to friends about hitting a guy 49 times before he even hit the ground. (You know, like you’re tough or something.)

40. Eat the little blue disks they put in toilets.

41. Encourage others to eat the little blue disks they put in toilets.

42. Show everyone your fossilized turd you got at Glenrose.

43. Insist that everyone salutes you, while letting them know that failure to do so will result in a kick in the nuts.

44. Let everyone know that you would have gotten that job if it weren’t for that whole “necrophiliac thing.”

45. Anytime anyone mentions their younger brother, chant “ass-pony ass-pony ass-pony” ’til you’re blue in the face.

46. Tell the same 4 jokes to the same 3 people like they’ve never heard them before.

47. All I’m saying is that eventually turds are bound to replace money. I mean, what would you rather carry around: a bunch of hard to find dollars or some good old fashion easy to smell butt-nuggets?

48. Record an indi rock album.

49. Bring back the Batman dance.

50. Admit that Ricky Martin is your dad.

51. Own a Vanilla Ice album.

52. Club your feeble grandpa like a baby seal.

53. Join that Mormon movement that’s sweeping the nation.

54. Work only 2 days a week and try your damnedest to get out of one of them.

55. Anytime someone mentions that you haven’t bathed in weeks, roll around in the grass and mumble something about the JFK assassination.

56. Claim to be the reincarnation of the junkyard dog.

57. Hey, if you want to eat newborn babies, who’s to stop you.

58. Give cheese logs as gifts.

59. Demand to have the title “Wild Eyed Ass Pounder” after your name, i.e. Jonny the Wild Eyed Ass Pounder.

60. You know what? FUCK YOU.

61. After having sex, start crying and say. “I should’ve told you about the syphilis, the herpes, the crabs, the gonorrhea, or at least the Liz. Can you ever forgive me?

62. The next time you get dumped go to their house and set yourself on fire, while screaming, “Look at what you’ve done to me!”

63. Claim affiliation with Espionage Enterprises.

64. Tell everyone that the key to happiness is hotdogs.

65. Threaten to drop your pants when things aren’t going your way.

66. Remember, you might as well go for it. They’re probably thinking the same thing anyway.

67. Join the Leonardo DiCaprio fan club.

68. Let everyone know that you’re the one who makes it rain.

69. Write a list of say… 132 things and let people see it, knowing damn well that 60% of it only you’ll get.

70. Put lawn furniture in your front lawn.

71. Shit your pants every time someone talks to you.

72. When you’re introduced to someone new say, “Oh shit! I think I fucked your mom.”

73. Become President of the United States.

74. Try to convince everyone that Groucho Marx invented Communism.

75. Sell health insurance.

76. When walking past someone scream in their face.

77.

78. At least once a day stop to gather your thoughts by rubbing a stranger’s genitelia.

79. Develop a phobia of yourself.

80. Ask fat girls when the baby is due.

81. Carry a basket of dead birds around.

82. Pelt people with dead birds every time the conversation slows.

83. Join a book club, but absolutely refuse, under any circumstances, to read.

84. Proclaim yourself the Dahli Lama of the stick people.

85. Stop violence by attacking every black man you see.

86. Go to a dance club and dance your cracker ass off.

87. When playing chess and defeat is inevitable knock over the board and accuse them of cheating.

88. Hell, while you’re at it, accuse everyone of cheating.

89. Blame all of your bad luck on the fact that you haven’t won the lottery.

90. Beat up girl scouts and stick all of their cookies down your pants. (all of them)

91. Throw rocks at couples walking in the park and scream, “Why don’t you go somewhere else, you fucking bunch of faggots!”

92. Tell your boss that you think his wife is a communist and you’ve almost got all the proof you need.

93. Advertise in the paper that you’ll be performing free abortions at the local Dairy Queen.

94. Tell passers-by that Jesus loves them, then kick them in the shin.

95. F-words, F-words, F-words, F-words.

96. Tell people you’re pooping on their face because their face needs a pooping.

97. At restaurants get up from your chair, take a couple of steps back, then jump on your dining guest (p.s. it helps if you’re not dining alone)

98. Next time you see a cop confess to stealing a fluorescent orange crayon from the crayon box in the 3rd grade and demand to be taken to jail for it.

99. Show people your collection of buttons you got off the pants of all the old men you’ve beat up.

100. Call 911 and tell them you can’t stop touching yourself, you know, “down there.”

101. Anytime someone questions what you’ve told them, punch yourself.

102. Start a fan club based on yourself.

103. On easter hide turds in the plastic eggs and act surprised when little kids start crying.

104. The next time a hunter tells you his wife is beautiful, stuff her and hang her on his wall.

105. Invite everyone you know over for a party then leave town.

106. Own a cell phone.

107. Talk on your cell phone in the mall, at the movies, in your car, at a restaurant, but never anywhere that there aren’t people.

108. Frequently ask if it’s your turn to “kill something.”

109. Buy a gorilla suit.

110. Ask your friends if they want to watch a movie, then show them the home video of you masturbating in a gorilla suit.

111. When your friend tells you about his new girlfriend, proclaim, “What?! That Skanky bitch? You sure she’s not dead, if you know what I mean?”

112. What? You think that’s a burrito? I’ve seen the biggest burrito in the world.

113. Did you know that in Canada hamburger pizzas are called meat pizzas?

114. Repeat numbers 112 and 113 to anyone who will actually talk to you.

115. Tell people that they look like teen wolf and when they say, “What? I look nothing like Michael J. Fox.” say, “I know.”

116. Next time you play monopoly try to put more than one hotel on a property. (you know, like that’s legal, Max)

117. When calling someone, ask to speak with so and so, if they’re not dead yet. i.e. “Can I speak to Sonny, if he’s not dead yet, that is.”

118. At your next company meeting, proclaim yourself King of the Donkey People, and fuck your donkey boss in his donkey ass.

119. No, I mean it: Fuck Regis Philbin. (who wants an ass kicking? is that your final answer? is that right?)

120. On rainy days, take your Sunday School class to play near an electric fence.

121. Read incantations from the Goetia naked in your front yard.

122. Carry around a bag of yard clippings and chant, “Let’s spark that shit up.”

123. You know, I’ve heard that sheep are good fucking, if you’re into that sort of thing.

124. Tell people that you’re a psychology major so it’s ok to pick your ass.

125. Call the FBI and tell them that everyone keeps saying your name.

126. Hey, you do know that the FBI’s in on it, too.

127. Kick the rest of your Grandma’s teeth out. That way she can get those new dentures.

128. Go to the emergency room for a paper cup.

129. Remember the 80’s.

130. Napoleon – Now that’s funny.

131. Metallica rules!

132. …And lastly, turds, turds, turds.